Pregnancy Rant

As I begin to contemplate a second pregnancy, I feel the need to make a record of how terrible my first one was and to remind Clark, who, naturally, is eager for number two, that PREGNANCY SUCKS.

The heartburn was terrible. The stretch marks... like zebra stripes all over my body. The overall discomfort and body aches were BLEHAAWFUL. But all of that was bearable. It was the morning sickness, actually the Hyperemesis gravidarum because that's what's its called when it gets out of hand, that was my undoing.

Losing twenty pounds in the first trimester was kind of fun, heaven knows I needed too. But after awhile, I started to miss food. And then I started to miss liquids. Apparently you can't go more than 48 hours without them. That particular incident warranted the first trip to the ER, where I went home with several suppositories of Zofran and Phenergan. Lovely.

Phenergan is a wonderful drug that made me sleep 20 out of 24 hours each day. It took away some of the nausea, but I think that's mostly because I was too sedated to vomit. At night, Clark would come from school and we would watch TV "together." This meant I would lie in bed in the bedroom with the lights off and Clark would sit in the living room with the TV volume turned up nice and loud. I would listen in and occasionally ask questions about what was going on.

It got to the point where I would scold Clark for putting the toilet seat down, because sometimes I couldn't make it to the bowl in time. I dotted the streets and parking lots of Mesa/Tempe with pools of vomit. I threw up in an Old Navy dressing room. I threw up in the cereal aisle of Safeway and walked out, leaving behind a cart full of groceries. But the worst was when I threw up on somebody's yard sale. Clark and I were driving in the car when I told him he better pull over. He pulled off the busy road and onto a residential street. I quickly opened the door and released a wave of vomit. When I looked up, there was a family setting up a yard sale. They looked me at and then at the vomit sitting on their driveway. I apologized and then vowed to never get pregnant again.

So to those of you who are considering getting pregnant... DON'T DO IT. Just look at this kid- he's not even that cute. And did you know that stretch marks are permanent? Its totally not worth it. Just adopt.